so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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