I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
