I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
