Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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