I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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