In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
