Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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