She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
