Your face is a jimmy john
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
