Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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