ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Randomize
