my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
