forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
