Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Every concussion has its silver lining
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
