A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
