I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
