I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize