We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
