she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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