Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
