So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
