im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
