I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
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