My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
