we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
