note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
