Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
