Who wears a wallet chain?!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
