Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
is that a dick in a sweater?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
