the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
