I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
