I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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