all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
