i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
