I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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