I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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