I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
