The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
