Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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