Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
