dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
