I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
