I cut my penus on the lid.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize