I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
