ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
organizing the empties. That sober.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
