IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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