I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I could make wine with my vomit
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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