I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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