is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Still dying that you shit outside
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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