Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
