I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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