I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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