who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
