hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize