that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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