Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
