My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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