I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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