Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
