I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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