My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
